Song Chaser (Chasers) Page 10

  Paisley throws her arms around my shoulders and we start swaying, her body dangerously close to mine. I know this is usually normal for us, our friendship has always been one that from the outside probably looks like a lot more, but with all that’s transpired in the past year, it feels odd having her this close to me.

  “So, are you going to tell me why you really called me a couple weeks ago?”

  “I did tell you,” I try to sound sincere, but it’s pointless. Paisley sees right through me.

  “Don’t bullshit me. I know things are kind of weird for us, but I don’t want them to be. I thought we were fine, back to normal – or at least getting there. But then I got that call, and I could just hear it in your voice, Tanner. You’re not okay, are you?”

  I chew the inside of my bottom lip. “I don’t know, I mean I am but I’m not, if that makes sense. Paisley, I really was in love with you,” I say was like I’m not still, but I’m not sure if that’s completely true. “I think I’m just going to need some time. Some days are good, some suck.”

  “Are the good days when you’re with Kellee?” she asks, looking behind me at the bar. I turn and see Corbin handing Kellee another shot, but her eyes are locked on mine. Something is different in those stormy grays, something unsettling.

  “Yeah. She’s a really great friend,” I say, kicking myself. Why did I just tell Paisley she was my friend? I mean, I guess technically that’s what she is, but we both know it’s more than that, too.

  “Well, just be careful, okay?”

  I turn back to her, “I’ll be fine.”

  “I’m not worried about you, Tanner. I’m talking about her.”

  I tilt my head, “I don’t understand.”

  “God, you really are such a boy,” she sighs. “Can’t you see that girl is crazy about you? She looks like a million bucks tonight yet I’m pretty sure she’d have to do a naked cartwheel to get your attention. I don’t think she sees you as just a friend.”

  “Well, we’re not exactly just friends. Shit, I don’t know what we are. It’s complicated.”

  “Want my advice?” she asks, pulling her arms from around my neck. “Uncomplicate it. Don’t make excuses. Some of life’s biggest heartaches come from missed opportunities and lame excuses. Don’t miss out on what could be the best chapter in your life because you’re too busy rereading the last one.”

  “Easier said than done,” I mumble.

  “Look over there,” Paisley says, motioning to Kellee. She and Corbin are turned back toward the bar now, her gray eyes no longer focused on me. “It doesn’t take a scientist to see that this girl wants you. I don’t know how much she knows about us, but I’m sure this isn’t easy for her. She’s here because she cares about you, Tanner.”

  I know Paisley is right. Kellee is probably the most beautiful woman in this entire bar, maybe this entire city. Even from the back, she looks fucking amazing, and I know I’m crazy for asking her to come with me tonight. But I needed her. I still need her – I just can’t decide if any of this is fair to her. Sal’s right, she shouldn’t put up with the shit I ask her to, she shouldn’t have to deal with my feelings for a girl who never loved me the way I loved her.

  But she does.

  She’s here with me.

  God, I really want to kiss her.

  “You really suck sometimes,” I turn back to Paisley, smiling.

  “Why? Because I’m always right?” She smiles and nudges my arm, “Now come on, I need another drink!”

  “Me too,” I say, because seriously I need like a whole fucking bottle right now. As we head toward the bar, I see Kellee toss down another shot with Corbin. She looks like she’s enjoying herself, but there’s still something in her eyes that’s not quite right.

  Wait.

  Kellee is taking shots.

  Kellee doesn’t fucking drink.

  Suddenly, I’m pissed. I storm past Paisley and straight up to Corbin, the heat rising from my skin. Corbin sees me coming and stands up, meeting my chest with his as I get in his face.

  “Why the fuck are you giving her shots? She doesn’t fucking drink, you dick.”

  “Tanner, you don’t want to go there with me,” Corbin threatens, pushing me away. I shove him back hard against the bar, adrenaline rushing through me. First he takes Paisley, now he’s fucking with Kellee. I’m done with his shit.

  “I’m already fucking there, Army boy. Stay away from her.”

  “Hey,” Kellee yells, pulling me around to face her. “I’m a big fucking girl and I can drink if I damn well please.”

  “You don’t drink.”

  “Well tonight, I do.” Her gray eyes have turned to absolute stone, a drunken glaze folding over them. Suddenly, she turns on her heel and stomps toward the stage, taking the mic from the DJ and climbing the stage. My breath is heavy in my chest, the heat still rushing through me as my fists clench.

  “This one’s for all the so-called men out there who like to play games with every girl’s head they can get their grimy hands on. Here’s to you, and to me falling for your shit for the last time,” she lifts the shot in her hand high into the air as a few people cheer. As she shoots it back and slams it down on the barstool next to the mic, Pat Benatar’s Heartbreaker starts playing and that amazing voice that I heard the first time I met her comes back to life.

  Only this time, it’s laced with venom, and I’m pretty sure it’s directed straight at me.

  The longer she sings, the more people stand and cheer. She really does have an incredible voice, and pair that with probably her first time being drunk and this angry and let’s just say it’s more entertaining than a Guns N’ Roses concert on shrooms.

  “Tanner, you have to talk to her,” Paisley says, moving in beside me. Corbin is holding her hand now and clearly isn’t affected by me getting in his face in the slightest.

  Damn it.

  “I fucked up. I always fuck up,” I feel it coming again, the same feeling I had the night Paisley left me in her apartment after I told her I had lied to Corbin and told him she loved me. It’s a deep, powerful disappointment – an ache in my chest that knocks the breath out of me.

  “Tanner,” Paisley turns me around to face her. “Talk. To. Her.”

  I nod, but every word Kellee sings sobers me more and more and suddenly I feel like the weakest man in the fucking world. Like I don’t deserve to talk to her, to fight for her to care about me. Why should she?

  After she sings the last note, the bar erupts into a frenzy and she drops the mic like some bad ass MC before storming off the stage and out of the bar. I turn to Paisley to say goodbye, but she throws her hands up, “Go! I’ll call you later.”

  I give her a half smile, silently thanking her and give Corbin a slight nod, not really caring how he feels about the situation. If anything, he looks smug – which just really pisses me off because he has the right to be. He’s got the girl I wanted, and now the girl I brought with me is also pissed at me.

  Fucking perfect.

  I shove the door open and rush out onto the sidewalk just as Kellee hails a cab. “Kellee, wait!”

  She whips around, her eyes boring into mine, “Why the fuck should I wait, Tanner?”

  “Just,” I catch up to her, panting a little. “Just wait a second. Talk to me, what’s wrong?”

  “What’s wrong?” she screams incredulously, slamming the cab door shut. The cab drives off and she gets even more pissed. “Are you serious right now or is this some kind of joke? Am I getting Punk’d? Ashton! You can come out now!”

  “Kellee,” I try to reach for her hand but she rips it away. “I’m sorry, just please give me a second before you run off.”

  She shakes her head, “You don’t deserve a second more of my time. What the hell is wrong with you, Tanner? Why did you bring me here? To make me watch you get all googly eyed for the chick you’ve loved for years? To have some sort of twisted emotional support while you faced the guy who took her from you? Huh?”

  “
No,” I shake my head. “I wanted you here for me, because you bring me a calm that no one else does. Because you make me feel something that I haven’t felt in more than a year, something I don’t know if I’ve ever felt.”

  “Ha!” she scoffs, pacing. “It can’t be that great of a feeling, seeing as how you told Paisley I was your fucking friend!” She spits the word “friend” like it’s poison, spraying it on the concrete. “Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention when we were playing your little 21 Questions game that I can read lips. So let me ask you this, if all I am is a friend to you, then why did you kiss me? Why did you have to cross the line? Why were you so avid to be sweet and say the shit you’ve said to me?” Her eyes suddenly turn from stone gray to stormy, tears welling and threatening to spill. My gut twists, her every word slicing into me. “Why? I didn’t want this, I tried to be your friend, but you made me trust you. You made me want you.”

  “Kellee, you’re not just a friend to me. You’re not. I want you, too.”

  “Well that’s not what you said to her,” she spits.

  I sigh, throwing my hands up into my hair and dragging them through it. “I don’t fucking know, Kellee! I don’t know what we are or what this is. I told you that. I can’t make any promises, I can’t put a label on us. I know what I know, and that’s all. I know that there’s something between us just like you know it.” I want to say more, want to promise her the world and give her every part of me that I have left to give, but something inside won’t let me. Something is holding me back.

  Or maybe someone.

  A tiny, one syllable laugh escapes Kellee’s lips and she turns her face away from me, holding back her tears.

  “Kellee, look at me,” I pull her chin toward me, but she pushes me back.

  “I can’t do this shit, Tanner,” she says softly, her voice shaky. “I can’t be your muse one second and then be invisible to you the next. I can’t watch you love another girl. You wanted this? You wanted me to care about you? Well guess what? It worked. I care. I thought I could deal with no promises, with us just being whatever,” she gestures between us. “Whatever this is, but I can’t.” She pushes off the wall and walks toward the street, calling another cab.

  “So that’s it? You’re just going to run?” She doesn’t answer. “You always say you’re afraid of being your mom, Kellee – that you’re afraid of hurting people, yet here you are, ready to run at the first storm warning.”

  She turns back at me, her eyes once again the stone gray they were before. “Don’t you dare talk about my mom like you know her, like you know me,” she rushes toward me, tears finally breaking the surface and falling down her cheeks. “If you want to chase your perfect song, your perfect fucking girl to fit all the lyrics in the stupid songs you listen to then fine, chase her. I’m not perfect, I never will be, and I don’t want any fucking part of your little game. Lose my number.” With that, she turns and throws her hand into the air. A cab whips in and she opens the door, sliding inside.

  “Fine!” I yell back at her, “Just run, Kellee. Run away from me because you’re scared, because you know that we might have something real. Nothing good in this life comes without pain, but you’ll never figure that out if you can’t stick around long enough to see the rainbow that comes after the storm.”

  A sad smile meets her lips as she turns back to me one last time, “There are no rainbows with you, Tanner. I thought you were a storm I could tame, a storm I could survive. Turns out, you’re a category five hurricane, and I’m not sticking around to let you destroy me.” She slams the door shut and the cab drives away, taking the last torn piece of my heart with it.

  Chapter 12

  Slow Son of a Bitch

  Kellee

  There are certain moments in your life when your body doesn’t feel like your body, when reality feels like a dream – or rather a nightmare – because your heart and your mind reject reality. You fall into a state of numbness and all your energy is completely drained, your body succumbing to a chronic flood of pain and emotion. It’s a dull pain at first, and then it racks your body in sharp waves, and nothing can save you. Nothing can help.

  Except for the one thing that caused you the pain.

  I felt it when my mom left, when my dad stopped talking to me, and I feel it right now. Only this time, it’s not my family that’s causing it. And yet for some reason, this time seems to hurt worse.

  Trista knocks on my doorframe, “Kellee? I brought you soup.” She brings in a tray and sets it on my bedside table, sitting down beside me. “You have to eat, you haven’t eaten in days.”

  “I can’t,” I say softly, turning my head to face the wall away from the food.

  Trista sighs, suddenly grabbing my arms and pulling me to sit up. “Alright, that’s enough. I’ve entertained your dramatics and let you lay in bed for three days now, but no more. We’re going out.”

  I laugh. It’s a weak, measly laugh but it’s a laugh nonetheless. “You’re funny. Tell me another joke.”

  “I’m serious, Kellee. Listen,” she sits back down. “You think you’re the first girl to get her heart broken by a stupid guy? I know the feeling you have right now. You don’t want to eat, you want to sleep to escape reality but then sleeping is even worse because of the fucking nightmares, and the thought of doing anything other than listening to sad music and crying literally makes you want to vomit.”

  Yep. That’s pretty much it.

  She takes my hand, which is kind of weird for us because although we’ve been roommates, our friendship hasn’t ever been the hand-holding, let’s-talk-about-our-feelings kind of friendship. “Trust me, I know. But as your roommate and self-proclaimed best friend in this damn city, it’s my duty to shake you out of this.”

  “It’s not that easy,” I say, shaking a little.

  “Of course it’s not, nothing in life is ever easy,” she says, squeezing my hand a little. “And nothing is going to help make you feel better, nothing but time. Unfortunately, time is one slow son of a bitch. So, until he shows up and washes away all the shit you’re feeling right now, we’re going to go out and we’re going to have fun and you’re going to fucking like it.”

  I smile weakly. I really don’t want to move from under my covers right now, but I know she’s right. I know I have to start moving on. Honestly, I’m pissed at myself that he’s affecting me this way. The fact that I have to “move on” from him makes me angry, as childish as that sounds.

  “I don’t even know why I feel like this, Tee. I’ve only known him a month,” the words tremble on my lips and I want to punch myself in the face. I sound like such a whiny bitch, but it’s like I have no control. My body has been infected. It’s hopeless.

  Trista smiles softly, “Girl, don’t even try to force logic on a relationship between a boy and a girl. If there’s anything I’ve learned in this life it’s that love doesn’t follow rules. Love doesn’t care what should be or what’s ‘supposed to happen’ – it just shows up and we have to deal with it.”

  “Love is a powerful word,” I say, repeating what I said to Mariah when she was asking me if I loved Tanner. I think of Mariah and wonder if she’s having an adventure with her Prince Charming right now. I wonder if it’s supposed to be that way, if we’re supposed to dream of our prince all our lives, or if we’re just setting ourselves up for heartbreak. Maybe I should visit Mariah and tell her the truth. It’s okay to burst a little girl’s fairytale bubble if I have good intentions, right?

  “I don’t think I love him, but I feel something for him. Maybe it’s like middle school – I ‘like-like’ him.”

  Trista rolls her eyes. “You’re right, love is a powerful word. But, it’s also not a word that’s supposed to fit into some kind of mold like you’re thinking. Love can mean more than just what society says it means, and whether you know it or not, I know you love Tanner – it’s just an undiscovered love,” she offers a smile. “So calm down, I’m not saying you love Tanner like you want to go run off and marry
him and have his babies or anything,” she laughs, and then her face goes white. “Wait. There’s no chance you could be pregnant, right?”

  I smack her with a pillow and we both laugh, “Okay, Dr. Phil, I’ll go out with you. Just stop trying to practice your psychology on me and give me an hour or so, I need to shower.”

  Trista stands, “Thank God. I can’t stand the smell anymore.” I toss another pillow at her as she ducks out of the room before falling back onto my bed.

  This should be interesting.

  * * *

  I convince Trista to make a pit stop at Sal’s before we hit the club she’s taking me to. I was supposed to work the day after everything happened, but I couldn’t find the will to leave my bed. Plus, I think I was a little hungover. I realize now that taking shots of tequila when I don’t drink was probably not the brightest idea I’ve ever had. When I called Sal, he didn’t even need me to explain. I’m sure he saw everything at The Box, and he hasn’t asked me to come back to work since. But, the reality is that I need the money, and it was immature and fucking stupid for me to call out from an alcohol-induced headache and an asshole-induced heartache, so like Trista said – pity party time is over.

  I open the door to Sal’s and before I can even take a full step inside, big arms wrap me in a bear hug and I’m engulfed in a cloud of pizza dough and Sal’s cologne.

  “Hi Sal,” I say with a muffled voice into his chest.

  He pulls back and gives me a weak smile, “I’ve known Tanner a long time and I love the kid, but I’ll kick his ass if I have to. Just say the word.”

  Trista laughs and I return Sal’s sad smile, “Not if I do it first.”

  “Attagirl. What are you doing here? I told you not to bother coming in, I’d figure it out.”

  “I’m taking her out,” Trista says matter-of-factly. “I told myself when I found out what happened to her that next morning that I’d give her three days. Time’s up, and now I’m taking responsibility to get her drunk and help her forget about what’s-his-face.”